The company I work for has a Christmas party in Salt Lake City next weekend. This traditionally features a pretty raucous round of White Elephant. Past Christmases have included gifts such as this example of high art. So I was searching for a real show stopper on Amazon.com. I was disappointed to discover that neither centaur nor dinosaur erotica comes in proper paper books. On a whim I searched for cock rings. Amazon has everything doesn't it?
Yes. Yes, it does. I found this:
At first I'm thinking, "What is that, a key ring?" Then it quickly dawns on me that it is meant to be inserted in the penis. "No, no, no! Penises go in things! Things do not go in penises!" Of course I looked for more of them (spoiler: I did not get this for my White Elephant gift; we have a $20 limit).
I think I have two favorites. First, is "Agamemnon":
I like it just for the name. Then there is the idea that 3.5" was not enough, but somebody wants 8" of stainless steel up their tallywhacker. I kind of think it would fit perfectly as a prop for a science fiction spaceship.
It reminds me of a scene in Iain M. Banks' Excession, when a character sees the starship Frank Exchange of Views for the first time.
Ulver laughed. "It looks," she snorted, "like a dildo!"
"That's appropriate," Churt Lyne said. "Armed, it can fuck solar systems."
And then we come to the mother of all penis plugs. "Themis". Ten-and-a-half inches of crotch-numbing terror:
Seriously? How much intersection is there in the Venn diagram of guys who like to have their urethra stretched and guys who have enough runway to land 10.5" of surgical steel?
Oh, and get this, Themis was a Titan associated with divine law. Her name literally translates as "that which is put in place." I almost think the deranged person who made that connection is worth knowing, if not just to know whom to watch out for. Also: the manufacturers name is Skeleton Key. It's going to open a lot of doors.
It gets better. I figure there had to be catchier name than "penis plug" for these things. So I googled it. And there is. It is also called a "prince's wand". Derived from "Prince Albert's Wand". Savor where this is going:
Be sure to click this link (warning: NSFW due to cartoon penis); there is a diagram of how that thing works. It's like the perfect storm of having a man's junk mutilated and tortured.
I am kind of curious if there is a sexual aid aspect to these. Was this a pre-viagra solution to soft erections, or some sort of disability? Do these actually stand up to any sort of vigorous motion? And am I the only one thinking of matryoshka dolls right now?
After looking at these I decided to get a White Elephant gift that was downright normal, kid friendly even, but I'm not going to ruin the surprise.